Wednesday, 22 January 2014

OGR (1): From Script to Screen

1 comment:

  1. OGR 23/01/2014

    Hi Heidi,

    Okay - lots to like about your story idea, but it's also too involved, too complex and long for the running time. If you think about Ben Lewis's talk - and just how much drawing was required to convey action sequences, then you'll know what I mean. For example - you've got a line of description that simply says 'epic battle scenes' occur - which might encompass lots of action.

    You need to look for visual economies: for example; begin Act 1 with the girl in bed, her room in darkness except for the fall of light from the open door across her; we hear a parent saying, 'Don't forget, you're going to the dentist tomorrow. Sleep tight'. The door closes, the room is in darkness, we see the little girl looking worried; she sleeps; she dreams...

    I think your villain should be on a pogo-stick - or like a pogo-stick - so his actual design is based upon the action of something sharp probing, like a drill-bit or similar. At the moment, your pogo-sticks are set-dressing and not actually giving you very much. Don't forget to keep the building-site element in there too - but you might want to think of it as a demolishment site instead, and your villain as the 'site-manager' - so he's in charge of organising the bacteria to take the mouth apart. I think you need to establish your villain right away,and establish too what his 'goal' is in terms of demolishing the teeth. I think a lot of your action in your premise isn't really focused enough; cut to the chase, pit the Floss Force against the villain from the outset. This is what I mean about economising your story concept; if you've got action there or detail that isn't precisely in the service of your story, get rid of it, or steamline it, or combine it.

    In terms of your final ACT, I think it needs strengthening, which means ACT 1 and ACT 2 need to be very tightly structured to give you the available time. So, let's say for instance, that the hero character of the Floss Force is characterised by a particular colour or defining feature: I reckon that the little girl should wake up; we here the parent (off screen) say, 'Time to get up - and brush your teeth for the dentist'. We cut to the girl in the waiting room, nervous, we're shown the dentist's door (it's got a glass pane so we can see his shape); we cut to the girl looking nervous; we cut back to the door, the shape is looming against the glass; we cut back to the girl, we cut back to door - it opens, and then we see that somehow the Dentist is 'like' the hero from her dream; perhaps his hair is the same, perhaps his tie is the same colours as the hero's costume. Cut to the girl, who is smiling now; then cut to the dentist, who gives a big hero grin - the end... or something like that.

    So - you need to economise ACT 1/2, but cutting to the chase and cutting out any generic action stuff that's not about the foiling the villain's plan, and revisit ACT 3, because I think the match-up between the dream and reality needs to be signalled more explicitly.